


worthy

by salmonriot



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 03:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14511348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salmonriot/pseuds/salmonriot
Summary: failure was never supposed to be an option





	worthy

It’s 4:36 in the morning when Jonghyun returns to the dorm. The door latches automatically behind him with a quiet whirr as he kicks his shoes off. He doesn’t turn on the lights—he’d chosen a time well after the other’s bedtime to come home after all, and he throws himself onto the couch in the living room with a soft ‘fwump’.

He’s in the middle of wondering whether or not he should take a shower when the living room lights switch on with a click. Jonghyun jumps, and he looks toward the sound of the approaching footsteps, heart pounding.

It’s Dongho. He’s swathed in a huge fluffy blanket, spectacular bed head peeking out from the top. Jonghyun is suddenly struck by how young Dongho looks like this until the other boy lets out a massive yawn, and adoration turns into a surge of guilt that hits Jonghyun like a tidal wave.

“Did I wake you up, Dongho-yah? Go back to bed—”

“Have you eaten?” His voice is rough with sleep, and he rubs at his eyes tiredly. Jonghyun wants to say that it’s a little too late for food at this hour, that they should all go to bed, but when he opens his mouth all that comes out is a pitiful whine.

“We left you some food. Come eat.” The tone of the younger boy is one that leaves no room for argument, so he allows himself to be bodily lugged off the sofa and deposited on a chair in the kitchen. He stares blankly at the table, and doesn’t look up even when Dongho sets a bowl in from of him (it’s _biji jjigae_ , his favourite), only managing to mutter a soft “thanks” before picking up his spoon.

He takes a bite of the steaming hot stew—it’s delicious, like Aron’s cooking always is, but he just isn’t hungry. He continues picking at his food, hyper-aware of Dongho scrutinizing his every move from across the table, lips pursed and arms crossed. Just as he’s about to excuse himself and escape to his room, away from the stifling awkwardness, Dongho speaks up.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, hyung?”

Jonghyun laughs. “What are you talking about, Dongho-yah, there’s nothing wrong—”

“You’re lying and we both know it. You’ve been coming home really late, hyung. It’s so late we all fell asleep waiting up for you. Why didn’t you call? You called the other times.” Dongho gets up and pads lightly to the counter to pour himself a glass of water.

Jonghyun feels the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. Of course. How hadn’t it occurred to him that his absence would be noticed? These were the people who’d stuck with him through thick and thin, his brothers, his family. Of course they were worried, of course they’d waited up for him. How could he be so selfish? _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

The ugly, tight feeling in his chest threatens to claw its way out of his ribs and he drops his head into his hands. “I’m sorry,” he gasps.

“Hyung! Are you okay?” And Dongho—good, kind Dongho is right beside him in a flash, rubbing his back soothingly.

And Jonghyun tries, he really does, but his throat constricts and nothing comes out.

“At least tell me where you were.” Dongho’s voice is hushed and gentle, as if speaking to a wounded, cornered animal.

“I—it’s so stupid,” he bites hard on his lip. “I’m so fucking stupid. I was just—I was at a PC bang.”

“You were at a PC bang,” Dongho repeats flatly. “Alone?”

Not trusting himself to speak, Jonghyun just nods resignedly.

“You were at a PC bang alone.” Dongho puts his glass down with a clink, and crouches on the floor to squint up at him. “This whole time?”

Jonghyun squeezes his eyes shut. “Yeah,” he chokes out.

There’s a momentary silence. And then the inevitable question comes. “Why?”

“Because,” his voice is muffled behind his hands. “I’m good at gaming. And I needed to do something I was good at. I had to—I needed to…” he trails off lamely, at a loss for words.

“This is about what happened at the finale, isn’t it? Back when we were on Produce.”

“Yes,” he mumbles, then, “No.” Because it wasn’t all that, not really.

“Hyung, you know that that was beyond your control, right—”

“It’s not about that! I should’ve done more for you, for Minki. For all of you, from the start. If I wasn’t such a  _useless_ leader, none of this would have happened. We wouldn’t have had to go on Produce. We wouldn’t be short of a member now. I don’t even know what’s going to happen to us in the future, I just—”

“Wait, hyung, how is any of this your fault—”

“It is!” he yells, and immediately wants to punch himself in the face. He glances worriedly at the direction of the rooms, afraid that he’d woken the others up. He rests his elbows heavily on the table and sighs, continuing in a softer voice. “It _is_ my fault. I couldn’t lead NU’EST to success. I _failed_ you. I held all of you back. What kind of leader holds his group back? I don’t even know why Pledis decided to put a screw-up like me in charge. I should never have agreed to be the leader back then—”

“Don’t say that!” Dongho grabs Jonghyun by the collar and yanks him out of the chair. “Don’t you dare say that,” he says brokenly. His grip loosens and he drops his head onto Jonghyun’s shoulder, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. Jonghyun just stands there numbly, too shocked to react.

“You idiot,” Dongho finally whispers. “You complete, utter idiot. I should punch you for this.”

Jonghyun hangs his head. “I—”

“Listen up, Kim Jonghyun, because I’m only going to say this _once_. You need to stop worrying about _leader this_ and _leader that_ and whatnot. It’s _you_ we follow. Me, Aron-hyung, Minki, Minhyunnie. We’d follow you anywhere, hyung. Who says a leader has to be perfect? You have what it takes, and everybody knows it. You’re kind, and you’re selfless. You’re always thinking about other people, but you never think about yourself. Why won’t you rely on us more?”

At this point, tears are streaming down Jonghyun’s face, he’s pretty sure he looks pathetic with his eyes all red and swollen and—

“We love you, hyung. Everybody loves you. The fans love you, manager-hyung loves you, the coordi-noonas love you, and the hyungs you collect like Pokemon everywhere you go love you too.” Dongho takes a deep breath, studies Jonghyun’s face intently. “Aron-hyung loves you, Minki loves you, even big-head Minhyunnie loves you. The point is, we don’t want you to go through everything alone. You were never alone, you know that right? We all love you. _I_ —”

Dongho doesn’t exactly choke up, but he clams up abruptly, and Jonghyun feels the taller boy’s grip on his shirt tighten. Slowly, unsteadily, he brings his arms around Dongho and wraps him in a tight hug and they stand there, just holding each other until Jonghyun’s sobs quieten.

“You get it, right?” At last, Dongho speaks up gruffly, and Jonghyun nods against his shoulder.

Then he pulls away, and socks Jonghyun in his arm, hard.

“Ow!” He yelps, fresh tears welling up in his eyes as he rubs tenderly at the spot where he can already feel a nasty bruise forming.

“That’s for going to a PC bang without me,” Dongho sniffs. “Why would you even go to a PC bang without me? You _know_ it’s competitive season now. You _know_ I was planning to rank up!”

“I’m sorry?” Jonghyun says meekly.

“You’d better be,” Dongho shoots back snarkily, jabbing a finger into Jonghyun’s chest. “If you _ever_ feel this way again, you will _not_ disappear on us and come home at fuck o’ clock in the morning. You will tell me, and we will go to the PC bang _together_ , and I will trash your ass _so_ hard your brain starts working again. Got it?"

A hand reaches out and catches his wrist. “Okay,” Jonghyun is smiling—not his usual toothy grin, but a slow, sweet smile that makes Dongho’s heart stutter just a bit. All of a sudden, his toenails are really fascinating, he should really trim them soon, they’re getting kind of long—

“Okay, good, I—I’m going to bed!” With that, Dongho yanks his wrist out of Jonghyun’s grasp and stomps to his room, neck and ears a glowing red.

“Dongho-yah,” Jonghyun calls quietly after his retreating back.

“ _What_ ,” Dongho spits petulantly.

“Thank you,” he whispers. Dongho stops walking and huffs. “Tell anyone and you die. Are you going to come to bed _or not_?”

As he catches up with Dongho, the younger boy allows him to lace their fingers together. Dongho’s palm is warm against his own, and—

Jonghyun’s heart hasn’t felt this full in ages.

* * *

  
“What’s going on,” Minki trudges out of his room, disheveled and disorientated. “Why the fuck is it so noisy—why are your eyes so _red_? Yah, Kim Jonghyun, did you make Dongho cry?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeet (i'm incapable of writing emotionally charged things sry if it sucks lol)
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are much appreciated ( ˘ ³˘)♥


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